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About 'governor of poker free online'|The Queen and The Hall of Steroids







About 'governor of poker free online'|The Queen and The Hall of Steroids








               (All               States               were               created               equal.

All               statesmen               were               not.)
               Lately,               it               seems               that               some               of               America's               fifty               States               are               competing               to               deliver               the               most               bizarre               news               imaginable.

And,               admittedly,               it's               a               tight               race               to               the               bottom.
               If               you're               a               news               junkie,               that's               great.

But               if               you're               a               student               of               humanity,               or               a               mid-level               pan-Galactic               deity               charged               with               Milky               Way               Moron               Management,               it               can               get               a               bit               depressing.
               Americans               just               keep               trying               to               out-stupid               each               other.

And               that               was               before               Joe               Biden               started               running               around               the               country,               lobbing               non-sequiturs               and               spouting               gaffes               like               some               kind               of               political               poster               child               for               Tourette's.
               But               the               news               "gatekeepers"               always               focus               on               the               same               States;               California,               Arizona,               New               York,               Mexico,               the               Kennedy               compound,               the               Land               of               Loco               Starlets.

We               rarely               get               a               glimpse               at               the               goings-on               in               the               engine               of               America               -               that               vast               mass               rudely               referred               to               as               "the               flyover               States."
               Surely,               we               wondered,               the               flyover               States               are               just               as               goofy.
               So,               for               your               edification,               we've               corralled               our               entire               global               research               staff,               and               asked               her               to               check               out               what's               making               news               across               all               our               fifty               states.

Witness:
               Alabama               
               The               "Yellowhammer"               State               continues               to               push               for               the               toughest               immigration               laws               in               the               country,               including               the               mandate               that               any               school               child               can               be               stopped               and               forced               to               compose               a               limerick               using               the               word               "yellowhammer."               
               By               the               way,               we               should               note               that               Alabama               has               a               State               Nut.
               Alaska               
               An               undecided               moose               allegedly               survived               being               stabbed               in               the               thigh               by               Sarah               Palin.

Later,               at               a               quail               hunt,               the               hapless               moose               was               shot               in               its               alpha               antler               by               Dick               Cheney.

Ultimately,               the               moose               succumbed               to               all               this               political               pressure,               joined               the               Tea               Party,               and               was               elected               Governor.

Liberal               news               organizations               immediately               put               tactical               teams               in               the               area,               located               the               moose's               nightly               resting               tree,               and               rented               the               tree               next               door.
               Arizona               
               Headline:               Man               Shot               By               Albuquerque               Cops               High               On               Meth               
               All               right.

Who's               giving               guns               to               doped-up               cops?
               Arkansas               
               Anthropologists               claim               to               have               discovered               an               anomaly               -               a               human               female               that               Bill               Clinton               never               hit               on.

Lack-of-paternity               test               results               are               pending.

(These               are               scientists               from               the               University's               satellite               campus               in               Cecil,               down               along               the               State               Road               16               Spur,               over               there               nearby               to               the               Sonic.)               
               This               just               in:               never               mind.
               California               
               In               the               Golden               State,               they               have               earthquakes,               tar               pits               and               TV               executives.

Feral               coyotes               and               financing               by               the               kilo.

City               employees               getting               taxpayer-funded               sex               changes,               with               seven               official               genders               to               choose               from.

Businesses               fleeing               like               Hamelin               rats.

Air               the               consistency               of               loaf               bread.

And               a               governor               whose               job               resume               highlight               was               being               a               liquid-metal               android               from               the               future               that               managed               to               make               sequels               after               it               died.

Twice.


               So               what               draws               the               Fed's               focus?


               Medicinal               marijuana.
               Colorado               
               Speaking               at               a               fundraiser               in               Beulah,               Joe               Biden               warned               a               group               of               disaffected               Buddhist               donors               that               if               those               vile               Republicans               block               the               President's               agenda,               more               women               will               be               raped.

The               White               House               was               quick               to               point               out               that               this               would               save               or               create               millions               of               jobs               for               sexual               deviants,               or               Congressmen.
               Connecticut               
               Our               research               staff               tried               to               rouse               someone               in               the               Constitution               State,               but               they're               all               busy               trying               to               fend               off               a               hostile               takeover               by               New               York               City.

The               Big               Apple's               looking               to               annex               Connecticut,               erect               parking               garages,               and               have               it               renamed               "Brooklyn               North."
               Delaware               
               Delaware               continues               to               make               news               as               the               only               state               that's               actually               building               a               border               fence.

However,               in               Delaware's               case,               they're               building               it               in               hopes               of               keeping               Joe               Biden               from               getting               back               in.
               Florida               
               A               lawmaker               in               the               Sunshine               State               wants               to               do               away               with               Florida's               ban               on               dwarf               tossing.

That's               just               so...well,               so               Florida.

Firstly,               there's               an               activity               in               Florida               called               dwarf               tossing.

Secondly,               it's               wildly               popular.

Next,               naturally,               Florida's               legislature               outlaws               it.

And               finally,               a               grass-roots               movement               to               repeal               the               anti-dwarf-tossing               legislation.


               So               Florida.

I               mean,               let's               face               it               -               there               never               was               any               need,               really,               to               discuss               where               to               put               Disney               World.

It               was               kismet.
               Georgia               
               Headline:               SLED               Director               Lays               Out               Agency's               Mission               
               Sheesh.

That               director's               got               some               temper.

Wonder               what               the               mission               said?
               Hawaii               
               Aloha!

(literal               translation:               "Please               leave               before               you               get               here,               if               not               sooner")               Hawaii               is               perhaps               best               known               as               being               one               of               the               three               birthplaces               of               President               Barack               Obama.
               Idaho               
               In               the               Gem               State,               a               body               was               found               in               the               Kuna               reservoir,               another               in               an               Ada               County               canal,               and               a               car               dinged               a               teenager               on               Lake               (LAKE?)               Lowell               Avenue               -               on               the               same               day.

In               an               unsolicited               speech               to               himself,               Joe               Biden               insisted               that               patriotic               taxpayers               should               bail               out               stuff               that's               wet,               and               assigned               blame               to               all               those               damp               Republicans.
               Illinois               
               Officials               in               Des               Plaines               had               to               call               in               extra               help               to               deal               with               a               sharp               spike               in               the               skunk               population.

The               skunk               count               blip               is               variously               blamed               on               either               a               rise               in               the               beetle               grub               population,               a               drop               in               rabies,               or               the               recent               installation               of               Rahm               Emanuel               as               Mayor               of               Chicago.
               Indiana               
               Headline:               Missing               Student's               Mom               Hurt               By               Letter               
               Note               to               Missing               Student's               Mom:               When               you               see               a               letter               coming,               duck.
               Iowa               
               In               an               attempt               to               bolster               out-of-state               attendance               to               their               famous               State               Fairs,               Iowa               unveiled               eleven               more               unlikely               things               that               could               be               deep-fried.

               Kansas               
               In               a               first-of-its-kind               legal               action,               Kansas               (the               State)               is               suing               Kansas               (the               band).

Kansas               (State)               is               demanding               that               the               1970s               rockers               officially               change               their               name               to               some               other               State.

Nebraska               was               highly               recommended,               but               so               was               Detroit,               which               says               a               lot               about               the               state               of               public               education               in               Kansas.
               Kentucky               
               A               Lexington               drifter               was               sentenced               to               twenty-five               and               one-half               years               in               prison:               twenty-five               years               for               committing               violent               crimes,               another               six               months               for               contempt               ("lifting               his               middle               finger").

The               transient's               other               nine               fingers               immediately               filed               a               digit               discrimination               counter-suit,               and               are               being               represented               by               celebrity               attorney               Gloria               Allred.
               Louisiana               
               According               to               a               Pelican               State               news               website               named               "The               Dead               Pelican"               (really,               that's               what               it's               named),               a               Shreveport               robbery               went               awry               when               one               of               the               intruders               mistakenly               shot               the               other               one.

Then               the               police               arrived,               everybody               arrested               each               other,               and               the               entire               group               was               given               a               nice               set               of               abandoned               FEMA               house               trailers.
               Maine               
               Residents               were               saddened               when               yet               another               research               grant               failed               to               ascertain               why               Maine               is               still               known               as               "down               East."
               Maryland               
               This               morning,               while               speaking               at               a               "Re-elect               Us               Anyway"               fundraiser,               Joe               Biden               warned               that               if               those               vile               Republicans               block               the               President's               agenda,               all               college               football               teams               would               morph               into               rabid               dogs               and               eat               everybody               in               the               stadium.


               The               White               House               was               quick               to               claim               a               bipartisan               victory,               pointing               out               that               the               rabid               dogs               would               eat               everybody               equally.

(Plus,               the               White               House               noted,               Joe               got               through               three               consecutive               sentences               without               swearing.)
               Massachusetts               
               Our               research               staff               tried               to               rouse               someone               in               the               Bay               State,               but               the               entire               state               government               had               been               mobilized               to               deal               with               a               Mitt               Romney               hair               emergency.
               Michigan               
               In               Detroit,               the               ACLU               legally               challenged               an               FBI               sting               operation.

That,               of               course,               hardly               qualifies               as               news.

What               is               news               is               that,               this               time,               the               FBI               finally               told               the               ACLU               to               shut               up               and               sit               down.
               Minnesota               
               Headline:               Minneapolis               Metro               Transit               Rides               Hit               60               Million               
               60               million               hit               by               metro               transit?

We're               guessing               that               the               ACLU               and               celebrity               attorney               Gloria               Allred               are               racing               toward               the               North               Star               State               as               we               speak.
               Mississippi               
               After               uncovering               one               Pulitzer-worthy               headline               from               a               Magnolia               State               news               website,               our               research               staff               had               a               decision               to               make.

The               headline?

"Fun               With               Worms."               
               Nah.


               Moving               on               to               Missouri...
               Missouri               
               In               a               story               about               zoning               issues,               we               found               this               bizarre               observation:               "Officials               blamed               [the               problem]               on               lack               of               red               tape."               We're               not               sure               that               those               words               have               ever               been               uttered,               in               that               order,               in               the               history               of               Earth.
               Montana               
               An               environmentalist               coalition               in               the               Treasure               State               is               pleased               to               announce               they               are               making               progress               in               their               legal               efforts               to               ban               roads.

No               word               on               their               pending               legislation               to               outlaw               light.
               Nebraska               
               Citizens               in               the               Cornhusker               State               are               embroiled               in               a               debate               about               someone               who               dug               a               three-foot               hole               in               something               called               the               Ogallala               Aquifer.

And               it's               just               such               levels               of               rural               ennui               that               explain               Al               Gore's               rush               to               pipe               in               internet               access               to               backwaters               like               Ogallala               as               soon               as               humanly               possible.
               Nevada               
               A               member               of               the               Hells               Angels               who               was               supposedly               killed               at               the               funeral               of               a               member               of               the               Hells               Angels               who               was               killed               during               the               killing               of               a               former               member               of               the               Hells               Angels               has               been               discovered               alive               by               the               police               who               were               not               killed               by               the               members               of               the               Hells               Angels               who               were               not               killed               during               the               killing               of               an               ousted               member               of               the               Hells               Angels.

Meanwhile,               no               word               on               the               missing               possessive               apostrophe               from               "Hells               Angels."
               New               Hampshire               
               Three               New               Hampshire               citizens               were               playing               poker               in               a               Delaware               hotel               when               three               more               fun-lovers               barged               in               and               started               pistol-slapping               the               room's               original               occupants.

The               assailants               ran               away               when               the               bedside               phone               received               an               "Are               you               injured?"               robo-call               from               celebrity               attorney               Gloria               Allred.

Hard-line               NH               secessionists               pointed               out               that               this               kind               of               vile               activity               would               never               have               happened               in               Old               Hampshire.
               New               Jersey               
               A               Garden               State               resident               (Hackettstown               turnpike               exit)               who               was               served               divorce               papers               in               1992               (filed               at               a               Hackensack               turnpike               exit)               has               been               convicted               of               watching               helplessly,               with               malice               aforethought,               while               his               wife               tied               herself               up,               gagged               herself,               and               jumped               backwards               off               a               cliff               (Palisades               turnpike               exit).

But               hey,               that's               New               Jersey,               yo.
               New               Mexico               
               While               speaking               to               a               roomful               of               semi-conscious               turquoise               jewelry               artisans,               Joe               Biden               claimed               that               he               had               inherited               Muammar               Qaddafi               from               George               W.

Bush.

Undergrads               at               a               local               dentistry               college               offered               to               volunteer               their               services               to               have               Biden's               teeth               filed               down               before               he               hurts               himself.
               New               York               
               A               single               woman               and               her               single               grandmother               have               created               a               blog,               to               share               their               experiences               in               the               cyber-world               of               online               dating.

According               to               Granny,               what's               the               most               important               characteristic               of               a               Senior               Citizen               single               guy?
               1)               He's               honest               2)               He               has               a               sense               of               humor               3)               He               lives               nearby               North               Carolina               
               During               a               Homeland               Security               speech               in               Raleigh,               Janet               Napolitano               was               asked               a               question               by               someone               in               the               audience               who               admitted               -               admitted               -               he               was               in               the               country               illegally.

Napolitano               lunged               so               violently               for               a               "Border               Arrests               Are               Up"               chart               that               she               pulled               a               muscle               in               an               Arizona               rancher's               back.

Celebrity               attorney               Gloria               Allred               immediately               arranged               for               the               illegal               to               get               in-state               tuition               and               free               health               care.
               North               Dakota               
               The               president               of               Dickinson               State               University               says               he's               innocent               of               tampering               with               enrollment               records.

He               further               claims               that               stress               related               to               the               unfounded               accusations               resulted               in               him               losing               twenty-five               pounds,               which               in               turn               caused               him               to               eat               all               the               subpoenaed               documents.
               Ohio               
               A               deranged               Buckeye               apparently               heard               some               voice               inside               his               skull               that               told               him               the               rains               were               receding,               so               he               should               go               ahead               and               let               all               the               animals               out               of               the               ark.

Here's               the               scary               part:               no               candidate               has               ever               become               President               without               winning               over               Ohio               voters.

And               if               this               guy               was               an               example               of               an               Ohio               voter...
               Oklahoma               
               According               to               a               news               report,               the               police               chief               in               Mangum               was               accused               of               getting               in               a               fight               at               a               rodeo               in               Altus               after               his               stepdaughter               didn't               get               voted               Rodeo               Princess.

Punctuating               the               story               is               this               shocker:               the               chief               was               intoxicated               at               the               time.


               We               should               note               that,               in               Oklahoma,               these               are               the               good               guys.
               Oregon               
               At               a               building               dedication               in               Portland,               former               Senator               Margaret               Carter               stole               the               show,               but               after               lunch,               she               brought               it               back.

Charges               may               still               be               filed,               however,               according               to               celebrity               attorney               Gloria               Allred,               who               refused               to               comment               on               her               comment,               since               she's               representing               both               sides,               and               the               lunch.
               Pennsylvania               
               Our               staff               uncovered               one               headline               from               a               Keystone               State               news               website               that               read:               "Hershey               Trojans               break               under               pressure."               
               And               our               staff               realizes               that               there               are               times               when               we               need               to               just               move               away               from               the               joke.
               Rhode               Island               
               Due               to               new               FCC               regulations,               the               Ocean               State               has               been               classified               a               virtual               State               (a               Statelet),               resulting               in               them               having               to               relinquish               their               static               IP               address               and               set               up               some               kind               of               interstate               internet               router               sharing               with               the               larger,               full-sized               States               next               door.
               South               Carolina               
               Headline:               City               Adds               Streets               To               Road               Repaving               List               
               Clever               lads.

Wonder               what               they               were               paving               before               they               thought               of               streets?

Next               thing               you               know,               they               may               start               putting               police               in               the               Police               Department               and               adding               water               to               the               water.
               South               Dakota               
               Our               research               staff               tried               to               rouse               someone               in               the               Mount               Rushmore               State,               but               we               kept               getting               a               recording               that               both               circuits               were               busy.
               Tennessee               
               During               our               research               for               this               article,               Libya's               Qaddafi               was               finally               captured               by               a               French               drone               funded               by               American               taxpayer               money               borrowed               from               Chinese               banks               to               support               President               Obama's               not-war.


               Speaking               at               Dollywood               to               a               group               of               plus-sized               Lacrosse               Moms               who               collect               commemorative               railroad               plates,               Joe               Biden               cited               this               as               a               White               House               victory               that               will               clearly               reduce               violence               against               non-conservative               women.
               Texas               
               Our               research               staff               tried               to               rouse               someone               in               the               Lone               Star               State,               but               we               were               unable               to               hear               anything               over               the               erratic               gunfire,               wailing               harmonicas,               and               official               Rick               Perry               retractions.
               Utah               
               We               can't               share               the               top               news               from               Utah,               because               our               news               contact               in               the               Beehive               State               has               five               wives               and               they're               still               arguing               over               what               the               top               news               is.
               Vermont               
               Vermont               is               struggling               with               the               recent               discovery               that               it's               really               nothing               more               than               a               chunk               of               upstate               New               York,               shaped               like               a               flipped-over               New               Hampshire.

Apparently,               in               the               late               1700s,               "Vermont"               was               sold               to               a               western               New               Hampshire               land               baron               by               a               traveling               jigsaw               puzzle               salesman.
               Virginia               
               I               don't               know               why,               but               an               Old               Dominion               State               news               website               posted               an               entire               article               on               how               to               pronounce               stuff.

The               "stuff"               included               a               long               'a,'               the               letter               'k,'               a               judge               named               'Leonie               Brinkema'               and               a               potential               ACLU               client               named               'Abdelhaleem               Hasan               Abdelraziq               Ashqar.'
               Washington               
               In               the               Evergreen               State,               proposed               legislation               intends               to               limit               humans               to               3               emergency               room               visits               per               year,               but               there               are               reams               of               legalese               in               place               to               protect               trees.

Basically,               in               Washington,               lumber               is               treated               more               humanely               than               lumberjacks.
               West               Virginia               
               West               Virginia               has               a               request.

For               a               little               while,               for               kicks,               they               would               like               to               be               called               "East               Kentucky."               Just               for               kicks.

Just               for               a               little               while.
               Wisconsin               
               Nothing               much               is               happening               in               Wisconsin,               because               the               entire               population               have               unionized               and               are               holed               up               in               a               Rockford,               Illinois               motel.
               Wyoming               
               There's               a               state               named               Wyoming?






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